I Will Prioritize My Spouse in My Marriage

Good morning. It’s good to see all of you this morning.

Thanks for being here. My name is Tim. I get the privilege of being one of the pastors.

Those of you that are joining us in person, if we haven’t had a chance to meet, I would love to do that after the service. I’ll be right through those doors in our west lobby, right in the center, if you don’t mind coming up and introducing yourself. And I can just thank you for being part of our worship service today.

Also want to say hi to all of you that are streaming in online or watching later on demand, and especially our friends at First Lutheran in Algonac, as we continue our marriage series today. And I also want to say this. We recognize that we do have many people among us that maybe you’re single, you’re single again, you’re a widow, you’re a widower, and sometimes the marriage series isn’t maybe your favorite sermon series.

Okay? I only know that because some of you have told me that. And I know because I talked to the president of First Lutheran in Algonac, everybody that’s in that church, almost every single person is not married. And so thank you for hanging with us through this series.

And so this is what I would say to all of you, is that in any series, the most important thing to do is kind of interpolate it according to your season of life. Because we believe that the word of God is living and active, and even though it may favor man and a woman, husband and wife, there are principles that all of us can take from the scriptures and apply them to each and every day, regardless of the status that we’re in, the status that we’re in, or any of the relationships that we come into. So I would just encourage you to stick with it, and I really believe that God has something for every single person.

Amen? Amen. Well, if you didn’t know, we are handing these cards out each and every week as well. So hopefully you got week two’s card.

If you didn’t get this on your way in, make sure that you grab one of these on your way out. The ushers will be over by the doors. Because this is just a fun way to engage in this sermon series as we continue through that.

And so last week, Pastor Eric kicked us off by talking about why God has to be the center of our lives, and when God is the center of our lives, then of course he also needs to be the center of our marriages. And so today we’re going to look at this whole idea of why our spouse should also be a priority. If God has blessed us and put us in a marriage, that other person should probably be a priority in our lives.

Maybe be a priority in our lives. Absolutely should be a priority in our lives. I mean, the stakes are high, and we got to figure this out.

And of course, having this sermon series and being able to invest in you, whether you’ve been married for five seconds, or you’ve been married for 500 years, or it feels like 500 years, wherever you’re at, again, God has something for you. Our scripture, our key scripture in all this, is found in Genesis chapter 2, right at the very beginning of the Bible. Wouldn’t you know, God says, a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.

So one man, one woman in the context of marriage, and these two shall become one flesh. Now oftentimes people’s minds immediately go to the physical union in a marriage. And of course, that is part of this one flesh.

That’s why we believe God saves marriage for the context, and saves the sexual union, in particular, for a marriage in the context of that relationship. But there’s also an emotional connection that’s made with a couple. And even more importantly, I would say, there is a spiritual bond and connection that is made.

Because as Pastor Eric shared last week, when you go to Matthew and you look at Jesus, who goes back and quotes this scripture, he validates this scripture, he validates marriage, he then extends the scripture and says that what God has joined together, so God’s the one that puts us in that covenant of marriage, let no one separate. And so that’s the spiritual union which these passages are talking about. So I wanna ask you, as we get into this whole idea of making our spouse the priority that they should be, to go back to that first time that you met your spouse.

Do you guys all remember when you first crossed paths, those of you that are married? And even if your spouse has moved on and is already with Jesus, you remember that moment? Do you remember who pursued whom in your relationship or marriage? Because I get the privilege, and the other pastors around here get the privilege of meeting with our pre-marriage couples, and we love to personalize the messages. And I’ll often start by asking them this question. And I’m always surprised at the disagreements that happen with couples when you ask them this.

Or even later on, maybe you’ve ever sat at a wedding and usually that comes up, well, how did you guys meet? Or where did you meet? And they’re like, well, that’s not how we met. No, you pursued me. No, you pursued me.

How many of you, you are absolutely sure you know who pursued who in your relationship? All right. So if you’re the one that pursued the person, go ahead and raise your hand. Does the person that’s next to you actually agree with the hand that’s been risen? Is there any husbands and wives that both have their hands up right now? Is there any of that? We’re just gonna cause conflict and arguments right now, right off the beginning of the message.

What’s absolutely incredible is the amount of time and energy we spend at the beginning of the relationship pursuing one another. The phone calls, the text messages, the social media interactions, the date nights. I mean, how many of you would love to go back to that time when your whole life, you couldn’t wait to get off work, you couldn’t wait for your phone to ring.

Kids weren’t even a thought in your mind. All you wanted to do was to be with that person. And all of those moments lead up to one very special day, your wedding day.

And it’s on that day that people have mixed emotions. People are wondering, is this really the person that God has for me to spend the rest of my life with? Did I make the right decision? Reality kicks in. You wrote deposits to all of these vendors and people and now all of a sudden it’s your wedding day and they all want to get paid.

And where is all of this money coming from? And now what does this look like to enter into this relationship and to live happily ever after for the rest of our lives? Now, I want you to tell me if you recognize this guy here. Does anybody recognize this guy? It’s black and white, so it’s, you know, and you notice the picture can’t even fill the whole screen because this was, you know, back when we had slides for pictures. Okay.

This was 17 years ago. This is how long we’ve been married. We celebrate our anniversary.

And I can tell you I was two weeks shy of 31 years old. So Eric, where are you, Eric? Eric and I share that we both got married when we were 31. And so here I am, two weeks shy, and I just felt like it’s probably time to get married, don’t you think, when you’re, you know, 31 years old? God, thank you for blessing me with a wife.

And all of the thoughts that were going through my mind as my heart was racing out of my chest, especially when they open those doors and you see your bride for the first time coming down the aisle. And to replay and to relive this moment. And now it seems like it was hundreds of years ago.

I feel like we’ve lived so much life and so much has been thrown at us and so much complexity, and even for me to go like, wow, the amount of effort that I made to get us to this moment in time, and do I really truly even today have her as the priority that she deserves to be in our marriage, in our relationship? Some of you might recognize some of these people. In fact, I’ll give a shout-out to the one guy. I don’t know if you can see the bald guy there.

The guy behind him was one of our long-term members. His name was Bob Heidrich. That’s who that is in that picture, if you can see him by the candle.

Here’s the reality for all of us. If you’re not investing in your marriage, your marriage is in decline. No amens on that one.

If you’re not investing in your marriage, your marriage is actually in decline. It is an institution. It is a situation that has to constantly be in front of you, something that you are obsessing about, something that you’re thinking about, something that you’re figuring out, how do I make this relationship better and stronger each and every day? And often what we see in society, what we see when couples get into trouble, when we see things not go according to plan, it often is because the mindset is, well, we got married.

Well, we committed our love to one another, and then we just went back to work. Or the kids come along, and the kids become the priority. Or all of the other things that can happen, sometimes even in a marriage, it’s aging parents.

And so now you have this new dynamic that you never thought you had to deal with before. And maybe one of the aging parents passes away, and you have the other one now that becomes even more demanding of your time, and then all of a sudden it’s a strain on your actual marriage and what God has done in that covenant, in that relationship. And so it’s really difficult sometimes to constantly live in view of that, of how do we make this a priority? How do we make sure that we’re investing in our marriages? And today we’re going to look at a passage of Scripture in Genesis, and it’s a really wonky Scripture, just so you know.

Like, this is one of those bizarre Scriptures, and this is what I love about the Bible, and especially this church, is that we’re going to teach you and show you Scripture, even the difficult passages, even the ones that don’t always completely make sense. But what you’re going to see in this is God, in His grace and mercy, still at work in these people’s lives. It’s found in Genesis 29, if you have your Bibles, if you want to turn there.

Genesis chapter 29, we’re going to start in verse 16. And so there’s a dad. His name is Laban, and he has how many daughters? The older daughter is Leah.

The younger one is Rachel. And it says that Leah’s eyes were weak, but Rachel was beautiful in form and appearance. Anybody want to explain what that means? So, apparently, good, good answer.

No, Rachel was beautiful in form and appearance, and Leah, not so much. And different theologians have debated exactly what that means. All I know is that that word right there is, but Rachel, so it’s a comparison between being beautiful in form and appearance.

So whatever it was, it was an obvious difference. Well, comes this young man who’s already been through a lot in life. His name happens to be Jacob, and he loves Rachel.

He falls in love with her. And he comes up with this crazy idea for her father, his soon-to-be father-in-law, and he tells Laban, I’m going to serve you seven years. I will give you seven years of work for your younger daughter, Rachel.

Why would he do that? Why not six months? Why not just say, I’ll give you the next year? I mean, seven seems excessive, doesn’t it? Is this just him being a young guy and not fully understanding how long? I mean, seven years is a long time. And the father-in-law was like, it is better, he says this, it’s better that I give her to you than I should give her to any other man. Isn’t that beautiful? Stay with me.

In the back of his head, he’s like, you’re crazy. You want to serve me for seven years. This sounds like a great idea.

I’m just going to build you up and enter into this crazy covenant, into this crazy agreement that you want to have with me. Now, what I like about this passage is two things. Number one, he goes to the father-in-law and he makes the deal with him.

And in so doing, what is he doing? He’s asking for his daughter, Rachel’s, hand in marriage. I want you to know we’re a big proponent of this here at Shepherds Gate. If you’re dating or you’re engaged, it is a really good idea for you to go to the father of the bride, men, and ask them, have that conversation, if they will give you their blessing to marry their daughter.

And all of the fathers in the room that have daughters said, amen. Now, listen to me, because I’ve said this before. If you are married, and it’s been 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, and you did not do that when you first met your wife and married your wife, listen to me.

You’re going to think I’m crazy, but I’m going to say it anyways. If that father is still alive, if your father-in-law is still alive, you should go back and have that conversation with him. And tell him, listen, I know that I didn’t ask you at the very beginning, but I want to come now and I want to show you the respect and honor that you’re due.

And even though we’ve been married for decades, I just want you to know that I would love nothing more than to have your continued blessing over our marriage. And I can tell you this, because we’ve done this before, that some people have taken me up on that, and as awkward as it is, and as much as they don’t want to do that, because it’s pride in our hearts, we’re like, well, we’re already moved on, it’s already a done deal. Tim, I already got kids and grandkids, and I had to go back to my father-in-law? I mean, what are you, crazy? Yes, I’m crazy.

And I’ve heard testimonies of the interaction and how much the father of the bride has appreciated that it was recognized that it was never said before. I love that tradition. I hope we never lose sight of that tradition.

Now, when I met with Lisa’s dad, I still remember it, we were actually at Lisa’s townhome, and it was him and I, and we were in the living room, and I was nervous as all get out. I was shaking. I don’t know if you know, but her parents come here now to Shepherd’s Gate, and I looked him in the eye, and I said, would you please give me permission to marry your daughter? And he said, yes, absolutely.

He said, I only have one piece of advice for you. How many of you want to hear what his advice was for me? He said, I know my daughter well, and her number one need is quality time. Whatever you do, as busy as you get, as whatever life throws at you, make sure that you make her a priority.

Make sure that you spend time with her. And if you’ve never done the Love Languages, I would encourage you to do that. It’s a book.

It’s been out for many, many years. You can buy the book on Amazon. You can do the assessment with each other, finding out each other’s Love Languages.

Do you know the difficult part about having a spouse that has the Love Language of quality time? You have to spend time with them. It is a lot of work to figure out, and then you have to figure out what does quality time, like how much time, because I’m more analytical, is it like a half hour? Is it an hour? Is it three hours? Is it once a week? Once a month? Once a year? And when I was telling Lisa that I was going to do this sermon, I tried to run most of the illustrations, actually all of them, if I don’t want to end up on the couch through her before I present them to you. I said, well, what do you want me to share this time and through this sermon series? And she said, well, I want you to tell them about when we were first married and the fights that we would get into because in your head you would plan our vacations and we would go on these vacations and we would come back, and a couple weeks later we would be fighting because I didn’t feel like you were making me a priority that we were spending enough time together.

And she said, do you remember what you would say to me? And I said, I have no idea what I said to you. And she said, I remember as if it was yesterday. You would say, I just took you on vacation two weeks ago.

And I was like, I can totally see myself saying that. Like two weeks of vacation, 24 hours a day, like your bank, your need to be with me should be full. And that’s not how it works, is it? Those of you that are quality time people.

So I have work to do and I’ve had to work on that and you have work to do as well. Now I want you to think about this when it comes to this idea of quality time. That if I now were to meet with her dad here 17 years later and we were to do an audit and he was to sit down and say, okay Tim, this is what I told you 17 years ago, 18 years ago when you proposed to her, how are you doing with making her the priority that she deserves to be? And I was like, oh, I don’t know if I’d want to have that meeting.

I think sometimes I’ve gotten it well. I would say a lot of times I’ve failed miserably at it. And then someone put this thought in my head.

What if you were sitting down with your heavenly father and your heavenly father was doing an audit on how you’re treating your spouse? And you were sitting in a room with Jesus and Jesus is saying, all right, let’s go through your Google calendar, let’s go through your work schedule, let’s go through all of the time that you spend on your cell phone, scrolling social media, and let’s see, is this person that I blessed you with, this person that I put in your life, are they really actually truly a priority, the priority that I want them to be because I’m the one that put you in that marriage? That’s difficult, isn’t it? It’s difficult to always know what we’re doing and if we’re doing what we should be doing. Seven years goes by and Jacob says to his father-in-law, soon to be father-in-law, give me my wife that I may consummate this marriage. I gave you the time that we agreed to and so of course, being the good father-in-law, he gathers all the people together and he’s gonna put on a big wedding reception for the two of them and so that’s exactly what they did.

Lots of food, lots of celebration and in the evening, Laban takes his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob and he slept with her. Wait, that’s awkward. Wait, what just happened? That wasn’t part of the plan.

Laban, I thought you said that you would want no one else for your daughter Rachel than Jacob and wouldn’t you know, the next morning, Jacob wakes up and the sun is peeking through the tent and behold, who is it? Leah, the wrong daughter and Jacob says to him, what is it you have done? Why would you do this? How crooked and depraved are you? Why would you deceive me in this way? And look at his justification for this. Oh, just so you know, this isn’t how it’s done in this country. This isn’t how it’s done in our family.

You can’t marry off the younger one before you marry off the older one. Wait, what? Time out. Why didn’t you say that at the beginning? Why in the world would you have allowed me to work here for seven years only to cause this kind of pain and hardship now in my life, in your daughter Rachel’s life and in Leah’s life? You’ve now screwed up three people’s lives.

That’s where the Bible gets messy. Laban looks at him and tells him, you’ve got to finish out our bridal week because wedding celebrations lasted an entire week. And by the way, then I’ll give you the younger one also, but you’re going to have to put in another seven years of work.

How many of you would be a little upset by this arrangement? How many of you would think that this would be the end of playing nice with your new in-laws? And I’m amazed that the Scriptures say that he went along with this. I’m amazed that somehow, maybe given the past, and if you were here for Genesis, you know what led up to this moment and how dysfunctional his life up was to this point and that he was a deceiver and now he’s the one being deceived. And here he is agreeing to do this.

Not only finishing the week with Leah, but then he gives his daughter Rachel eventually to be his wife as well. And when he did that, he obviously again slept with her, but yet in his heart he never stopped loving Rachel more than Leah and even agreeing to continue working for another seven years. Now, sometimes people get this mixed up because they think he waited seven years and he had to wait another seven years for Rachel.

That’s not true. He waited seven years. Now he has two wives and then he still had to wait another seven years.

And if you’re a guest this morning, you’re watching online, you’re probably wondering to yourself, am I in a Jesus church right now? Is this a Mormon church all of a sudden? You guys believe in polygamy? Absolutely not. This thing is full of sin and it’s full of dysfunction. In fact, if you want it in the proper context, I would encourage you to go back and listen to that message.

Pastor Ben actually preached this message within the context of all of Genesis. Here’s what we can glean from Jacob. Here are the things that we can kind of learn and lean into with Jacob.

Is that he never stopped pursuing Rachel, did he? He never stopped working for her. And of course, he never stopped loving her. I mean, what was it about her that he was absolutely convinced this was his soul mate? And that no matter what was thrown at him, no matter the difficulties that came into the context of what he wanted and what he desired for his life and his future with her, that he was not ever going to let go of that.

That he was going to make sure that she knew how much she was loved and valued. Because here’s the other reality with Jacob. Jacob actually never stopped sinning as well.

He should have never agreed to this. He should have never been in a relationship with two wives. And even the dysfunction that follows, as you can imagine, in the days and the weeks and the months and the years ahead for him.

What we can kind of see in this is the pursuit and the heart that he had for the one that he loved. And so men, I want to start with you this morning. Did you know that women need to be pursued every single day? And all the women said that was very weak.

Women, do you need to be pursued every single day? Not just when we take you on vacation. Not just one day a week. How about one day a week? Can we just do it one day a week? One day a month? Does it really have to be every single day? And I have learned this.

One of the things that my wife loves the most is the fact that I’m the first one up in our house. And that I go downstairs and that I make her a cup of coffee in this fancy machine that she bought. And I then take the cup of coffee up to our bedroom and while she’s still in bed, I serve her this cup of coffee.

And what I love about it is every single morning that I do that, it’s like the first time that I’ve ever given it to her. Because she’ll take her eye mask off and she’ll look at me and she’ll say, oh, you did this for me? Like it’s Groundhog’s Day, I’m telling you. And I said, there is no one on the planet I would rather serve a cup of coffee to every morning than you, babe.

It’s the little things, isn’t it? It’s the I love you and you are a priority. And it’s worth the time to me to get up early and to go downstairs and to take the time to walk this coffee cup and this coffee back up to you and to serve you and to let you know how valuable you are to me. All throughout the day.

I know there’s not a woman on the planet that doesn’t love it when her husband stops and sends a text message and just says something simple as thinking of you right now. Or you know something that’s going on in their life and you strategically wait until that time is over and you say, hey, I know that you were in a meeting or I know that you met with this friend, I just wanted to see how it went and how are you doing and checking in throughout the day. Making sure that they know that you are, or that they are on your mind.

Amen ladies? And ladies, this is really hard to do just so you know. Especially for those of us that are workaholics and have jobs and demands and people constantly in every direction but yet somehow figuring out how to make this part of our routine. Now, you ready guys? Ready women in the room? Ready for this? Men need to be pursued, ready for this? Once a year.

No, men need to be what? They need to be pursued every single day. And all the men said? Amen. Oh man, you guys are weak as well.

Do you not want your wife to pursue you every single day? Or is it just not happening and that’s why we’re having this sermon series and we’re just going to awaken some of this love that you originally had before you ever made it to the wedding altar. Believe it or not, you need to be pursued every single day. Every day.

Something needs to happen where your wife is reaching out to you. In fact, women need to know do you love me today? Do you actually genuinely love me and care about me and am I a priority in your life? And did you know this women, men need to know this, do you actually believe in me today? Do you believe in what I’m doing? Do you believe I’m going to provide for the family? Do you believe that I’m going to make sure that our household is serving the Lord and has everything that we need so that you don’t have to worry about those things. Most men, just so you know, statistically, you can go read it later, are insecure.

And the biggest, the biggest burst, the biggest encouragement that a wife can give to her husband are words of affirmation. Let me just say it again, the biggest thing that you can do for your husband is to encourage him, not to beat him up, is to invest in him, is to tell him how proud you are of him, is to talk about the accomplishments that he is doing for you and for the family. So often we go to the physical side and the sex side and we’ll get into more of that next week, but really at the heart of it is having a wife that tells you how much you are valuable to them and how much they believe in what it is that you’re doing for them and for the family.

And that’s why if you got the challenge card, the challenge card this week is this, is simply I’m going to prioritize my spouse in my marriage. And we’re asking you between now and next Sunday to sit down with your spouse and ready for this? Figure out how to adjust your weekly routine to make them a priority. All of the calendars, all of the software, all of the things that we have access to, that we plan every other aspect of our lives, and yet it’s so easy to push aside the priority of the spouse that God has given us.

And you’ll notice on the card, because I think this week is going to be difficult, it says to actually have an honest conversation, which means that you have to be willing to open up and share honestly how you feel your marriage is going and some of the difficulties that you’re having connecting with your spouse. And likewise, probably even harder, is you have to actually sit there and listen to the things that they have to say and the ways that maybe they have been timid or afraid to share with you some of the frustrations that they have when it comes to this living out this daily relationship as husband and wife. And then honestly, come up with a plan to spend time together, what does it say? Once a year? Each day? How are you going to do this each and every day? And those of us that have kids, we get a pass, right? So we get a pass? Because we would just think, those of us that have kids still in the house, those of you that are empty nesters, you got this down, don’t you? I’m looking at all you empty nesters.

And the only ones that are better at this than the empty nesters are those that are retired. What else do you have to do than spend all every waking moment with your spouse? And yet I’ve talked to those that are empty nesters and I’ve talked to those that are retired that say they struggle with this equally as when there were kids in the house because there’s so many other things that they can instantly fill their lives with. How do we protect our marriages? And sometimes, two of the hardest words to say, which is what God calls us to do, is what? Say it.

You can’t even say it this morning. Algonac, say it. I’m sorry.

Do you know what’s even harder than I’m sorry? Forgive me. There’s a weightiness that comes to moving past I’m sorry because people expect I’m sorry and it just seems like in our culture you can just say, well, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You can say you’re sorry about everything and then you just move on.

You go on to the next task, you go on to the next whatever it is that’s filling up your life. But to actually have to look somebody eyeball to eyeball and say the words, forgive me, puts you in an even deeper state of humility that connects you to the heart of our God that we recognize that we’re fallen sinful people. And the only thing harder than saying forgive me is saying this, I forgive you.

And I’m just praying that that gets unleashed in our church this week. I’m praying that our couples and if you’re dating or you’re engaged will have these conversations around tables or in living rooms or going to a restaurant or wherever that may be and exchanging these words. These are the words of life.

Did you know that? That when you speak these words over each other, that when you’re open and honest with each other, that somehow in that moment that God does his greatest work because he begins to heal hearts, he begins to heal marriages and he begins to bring couples together and continues to keep that hedge of protection around that couple just as he did when they first looked and locked eyes at an altar and pledged their unwavering love and support for one another in marriage. Here’s what it says. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God and Christ forgave you.

Every day, we are to be kind to each other, to have tender hearts, to forgive because guess what? Our spouses are going to get it wrong and you’re going to get it wrong so we have to forgive ourselves and we have to forgive each other and we have to recognize the only way that we have the ability to do any of these things is because of what God has done for us.